Most days, I wake up hopeful about the day and excited about the passions that have been put inside of my heart. Then, there are other days; days where I am hoping that someone will find me and just put me out of my misery.

It sounds kind of extreme to say it out loud, but it’s true. It also sounds a little pretentious since I live a pretty privileged life as an American compared to the rest of the world, but the overworking amygdala in my brain that controls depression doesn’t realize that.  How is it that a person can be so thrilled and high on life one day and then dreading the sound of an alarm clock because it means you have to put on an insincere happy face the next day? 

The numbness yet sadness of depression can be crippling to anyone who is supposed to be creative. Even right before I started writing this, I struggled between putting in the work on this platform and just going to sleep and probably napping most of tomorrow as well. Thankfully (yet sadly), because I have experienced the numbness enough, I’ve learned to push myself a little harder by focusing on something more fulfilling. For example, instead of taking tonight to schedule out the Quirky Tech Talks series for the month, I’ve decided to write this thought piece about the crazy happenings in my mind. My future self probably won’t like me as much for not scheduling out my series; however, my present self is hoping that these words will touch the right person.

Life has a crazy way of humbling us, disrupting our life paths and moving people out of our lives that we desperately clung on to, especially when change needs to happen. I have all of these similarly written quotes written in black font on white background saved as screenshots on my phone that are supposed to keep me motivated throughout the day. They remind me that change is necessary for growth, that its important to get toxic people out of my life for change and that I need to grind harder for change.  

While this is true and all, change freaking sucks. It sucks major big ones, if you know what I’m saying.

I’m so tired of change. I’m tired of change making casualties out of ex-friends and ex-lovers, most of which weren’t the worst people in the world. I’m so tired of change expecting me to just deal with the new circumstances without being crazy nostalgic on the way things used to be. I’m so tired of the mixed signals I get about what I’m supposed to change and having friends/family tell me that I’ve changed too much. I’m tired of all of the doubt and uncertainty that change feeds me with every meal and I’m tired of the happy facade that I’m supposed to wear on social media as change is figuratively whooping my ass behind the scenes.

When I said that I wanted growth, I did not realize that this is what I subscribed for.  I want so badly to tell change to pack its bags and get out of my life. No, better yet, let me pack the bags and leave them on the curb for you. 

There are some days where I want to just lay in bed and cry about how much my life has changed, both from nostalgia and from fear of all of the new tasks and goals that my future now holds… 

I’ve been trying to find the words to wrap up this piece and somehow spin it into a positive ending for several minutes now, but it doesn’t seem fair to me. I can’t just end this piece with some one sentence Instagram-worthy quote when I know that I’m going to soon after sign off of my laptop and pray that I didn’t already drink the overly oxidized wine that was in my fridge. 

What I can say is that time is the one thing that I always forget to factor in when I look at my current life. Time plays such an important role in healing and I’m sure that in time, all of these steps towards change will pay off. I try so hard to remember my exact feelings when I lost friends from going to different middle schools or how I felt when I told my first boyfriend that I would never love again. I remember being devastated during that time, but know when I look back, I can barely remember the details. Hopefully these “change casualties” will be the same deal.

 How do you handle change? I’d love to know.

 

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  • @phoenycianwoman

    Compare my genuine happiness now, being and growing into 100% myself to my fake happiness before the changes started.

  • Tamara

    Thank you for being so candid and vulnerable to letting the world know of your inner struggles. Mental health is so important and with the ever changing world we live in, it gets really tough to not fall to this thing called depression. It truly is a constant struggle to fight through it especially with being a creative. However, it is these moments when you realize you are not the only one struggling through it. Thank you for writing the words so many are going through. We can just support each other through those tough times.

  • HDYTI

    Change….the five letter word that means different things to different people. Some people handle it well…even thrive in it, others (like us) struggle when it happens too quickly or without the ability to control it. Either way, we try to be resilient and look beyond the disruptions it might cause…and keep our eyes on the prize…because there has to be one at the end!

  • ADRI.V

    Listen you just spoke my life. Pray for me as I pray for you. Love this and thank you for sharing.

  • Tunisia Jolyn

    Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate so much to it. My anxiety disorder has really be whipping my ass lately and I’ve been just feeling depress about it which like you, causes me to lay down in bed on the weekends feeling sorry for myself. Also, my life overall is pretty damn sweet but my mental health sometimes gets in the way of me seeing that. There have been a lot of changes in my life over last several year and it has pushed and pulled me in many emotional directions from relief to joy to loneliness to complete sadness. I guess I am still learning how to handle change in a productive positive way. I have had many moments of breakthroughs and breakdowns and most of the time the breakthroughs happen right after the breakthroughs so I think the best way for me to handle change is by allowing my feelings to shine through without judgment (very hard sometimes but very possible) and then take a moment to stop and breathe (a super simple form of meditation) and then I pray. Usually, when I follow these steps, the feeling passes and I am able to adjust to the change a little bit better than I did before. I’m glad I’m not the only one with this struggle. Although I’m not a creative entrepreneur, my goal is to eventually become one, at least part time and so I totally can relate to your story. And wow, I didn’t expect to write all of this but I guess I needed to get it out. Thanks for the space to do so.

    Tunisia Jolyn
    http://www.tunisiajolyn.com

    • Tunisia Jolyn

      Sorry for all the typos. I thought I fixed them but I guess the updated version didn’t save.

  • James

    Great post

  • Merissa

    Amazing post! Exactly how I have been feeling for months. Thank you for sharing.

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