Most days, I wake up hopeful about the day and excited about the passions that have been put inside of my heart. Then, there are other days; days where I am hoping that someone will find me and just put me out of my misery.
It sounds kind of extreme to say it out loud, but it’s true. It also sounds a little pretentious since I live a pretty privileged life as an American compared to the rest of the world, but the overworking amygdala in my brain that controls depression doesn’t realize that. How is it that a person can be so thrilled and high on life one day and then dreading the sound of an alarm clock because it means you have to put on an insincere happy face the next day?
The numbness yet sadness of depression can be crippling to anyone who is supposed to be creative. Even right before I started writing this, I struggled between putting in the work on this platform and just going to sleep and probably napping most of tomorrow as well. Thankfully (yet sadly), because I have experienced the numbness enough, I’ve learned to push myself a little harder by focusing on something more fulfilling. For example, instead of taking tonight to schedule out the Quirky Tech Talks series for the month, I’ve decided to write this thought piece about the crazy happenings in my mind. My future self probably won’t like me as much for not scheduling out my series; however, my present self is hoping that these words will touch the right person.
Life has a crazy way of humbling us, disrupting our life paths and moving people out of our lives that we desperately clung on to, especially when change needs to happen. I have all of these similarly written quotes written in black font on white background saved as screenshots on my phone that are supposed to keep me motivated throughout the day. They remind me that change is necessary for growth, that its important to get toxic people out of my life for change and that I need to grind harder for change.
While this is true and all, change freaking sucks. It sucks major big ones, if you know what I’m saying.
I’m so tired of change. I’m tired of change making casualties out of ex-friends and ex-lovers, most of which weren’t the worst people in the world. I’m so tired of change expecting me to just deal with the new circumstances without being crazy nostalgic on the way things used to be. I’m so tired of the mixed signals I get about what I’m supposed to change and having friends/family tell me that I’ve changed too much. I’m tired of all of the doubt and uncertainty that change feeds me with every meal and I’m tired of the happy facade that I’m supposed to wear on social media as change is figuratively whooping my ass behind the scenes.
When I said that I wanted growth, I did not realize that this is what I subscribed for. I want so badly to tell change to pack its bags and get out of my life. No, better yet, let me pack the bags and leave them on the curb for you.
There are some days where I want to just lay in bed and cry about how much my life has changed, both from nostalgia and from fear of all of the new tasks and goals that my future now holds…
I’ve been trying to find the words to wrap up this piece and somehow spin it into a positive ending for several minutes now, but it doesn’t seem fair to me. I can’t just end this piece with some one sentence Instagram-worthy quote when I know that I’m going to soon after sign off of my laptop and pray that I didn’t already drink the overly oxidized wine that was in my fridge.
What I can say is that time is the one thing that I always forget to factor in when I look at my current life. Time plays such an important role in healing and I’m sure that in time, all of these steps towards change will pay off. I try so hard to remember my exact feelings when I lost friends from going to different middle schools or how I felt when I told my first boyfriend that I would never love again. I remember being devastated during that time, but know when I look back, I can barely remember the details. Hopefully these “change casualties” will be the same deal.
How do you handle change? I’d love to know.
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